Daddy

by Elke

February 2004

Rated NC-17 - Mature audiences only. Login required.


„Please, Darcy, take Esther away! He must not see her!“

"Lizzy´s whisper was so urgent and desperate that her eight year old daughter clung even closer to her although she couldn´t hear what her mother was saying. Darcy could not make out her request. He had never seen her in such a state before and could think of only one issue to make her loose her composure so.

"Their acquaintance had had a rocky start - she´d overheard his derisive comment about jazz musicians – and whenever they met afterwards she´d let him know that he wasn´t in her good book but the last two days had given him hope. They had met accidentially at this three day jazz festival and had spent quite some time together, going swimming, listening to various bands and chatting in front of Lizzy´s tiny tent after Esther´d gone to sleep.

"Darcy knew he had moved beyond simple infatuation, he couldn´t even remember some of the reservations he´d had to ask her out, others sounded just ridiculous to his ears now. True, there was quite a disparity in their social standing, Lizzy Bennet made her living as a jazz musician, playing odd gigs now and then and otherwise doing arrangements and a little bit of teaching and he was the rising star as a classical conductor, had a contract to do another Mozart opera and bets where laid when he would become the youngest ever conductor to be offered to work with the Viennese Philharmonics at the New Year´s concert of the Musikverein. He came from an old family, his ancestors had been serving the court and had been titled until the end of the Austro-Hungarian monarchy put an end too to all counts, baronesses and princes.

"But Darcy knew Elizabeth to be a musician with body and soul, that was what counted in his eyes and not how successul one was.

"What irritated him most was about her was her daughter, or rather how Lizzy dealt with the question of who her father might be.

"The day before he had been alone with Esther, after a swim Lizzy had offered to get ice-cream for the three of them. Darcy had noticed that the little girl had been studying him, eyeing his dark curls, fingering her own. Then, after a quick glance around presumably to make sure her mother was not here, she´d asked him

"“Are you my daddy?”

"Darcy had been dumbfounded, and bewildered. That was not an every-day-question, but what bothered him more was that obviously Esther had no clue as to who her father was. Elizabeth did strike him as a caring, liberal, levelheaded and respectful mother, her ignoring what must be a major issue for Esther seemed totally out of character for her. He had however sensed the little girl´s insecurity about her father and answered

"“No, I am not. I did not know your mother until last year, but I am sure that your father must be very proud to have a daughter like you.”

"By then Elizabeth had returned and the subject was dropped. Darcy left soon after with a promise to return later that evening. He attended a concert but could hardly concentrate on the performance.

"Esther´s innocent enough question had brought up memories he´d rather forget. Darcy had been there when his best friend Charles Bingley died, he had stayed with him when it had become clear that he was losing his fight against cancer, he had visited him when he had to be admitted to a hospice, he had held his hand during his last moments.

"Charles had been the most friendly, positive person Darcy´d ever knewn, always thinking the best of people he met. Therefore he was no match for Caroline Binder when she´d set her cap on him. At this time Darcy had been in the States, working as assistant conductor at the New Yorker Met. Caroline was looking for a rich husband and Charles met her standards – he could have been richer and more successful but those misfortunes were outweighted by his being utterly plyable. But then Caroline met Henry Crawford who had style, more money than Charles and connections.

"In a week she´d broken off with Charles, gotten a proposal from Henry and nine months later Henry Jr. was born. It had been rumored that she´d used her pregnancy to secure Crawford.

"Shortly after Darcy´s return to Austria Charles had been diagnosed with leukemia. It had been Darcy who had urged him to visit a doctor, Charles constant tiredness, paleness and frequent infections could no longer be put down to his disappointment over Caroline. After Charles´ first spell of chemotherapy he had begun to look up a little bit. He had reacted very well to the treatment and had finally found the will to fight. The two friends had taken a walk in the Prater woods on one of the first sunny Sundays of this spring. As Charles still tiring easily they had set down on a bench a little off the main path when Darcy saw the Crawfords come along, pushing a buggy. He thought of distracting Charles but when he saw Henry Jr. he froze. One didn´t need to ever have seen baby-photos of Charles to know that this little boy was his son, the similarity was striking.Bingley had seen it too and Darcy had to hold him back forcefully from confronting Caroline immideately.

"The confrontation got very ugly – Caroline fought like mad and she was lucky. Although Crawford divorced her when learning of Charles´ fatherhood Caroline found a judge in her favour and – after Charles had lost his nerves in court, affected by his medication – was granted sole custody. Charles wasn´t even premitted to see his son. From the day this decision was uttered by the court Darcy saw his friend loose his spirit, his will to fight. He tried to argue that in a few years Henry Jr. would want to know about his father and maybe then … Charles had looked at him and shaken his head.

"“You know it yourself, Darce, this is not going to happen.”

"From then on Charles´ health was declining, he didn´t put up a fight and after another half year he was dead. In his rational mind Darcy knew that at the age of thirty the chances of surviving leukemia were very slim but in his heart he could not but feel that Caroline´s deception had been the death knell for his friend.

"Therefore he had a reason to take the matter of Esther´s father quite personal – somewhere out there could be a man just like Charles, suffering because of Elizabeth´s deception.

"Their relationship was no way near close enough to raise such an issue, in fact Darcy had no one besides his little sister told about Charles, but he had to tell Lizzy of Esther´s question. Her reaction dissappointed him severely. In not so many words she told him that it was none of his business, all the while her face ghostly pale, her stance rigid. For a moment Darcy did a calculation – Lizzy must have been rather young when getting Esther, no more than nineteen – but soon his anger and hurt because of Charles overrode reason and in clipped tones he bade her good night.

"The next day they had met by accident, Lizzy actually anxious to avoid a meeting him, but Esther had spotted him and run over. They were queueing to get into the tent where a big-band concert was to be held soon. Some twenty yards before the entrance to the tent Elizabeth had suddenly turned round to him, pushing Esther towards him.

"„Please, Darcy, take Esther away! He must not see her!“

"When he didn´t react she tried to leave the queue but Esther protested, they were already attracting attention. Darcy had seen that look in Elizabeth only the evening before, he had a clear suspicion of who the man would be who must not see Esther. In a flash he was gratified that she trusted him enough to utter such a plea but then Charles´ anguished face surfaced in his mind. Louder than inteded he said

"“I will do no such thing.”

"Lizzy made another attempt to drag Esther away from the queue when a voice from behind, or rather a malicious sneer, made them look up.

"“Lizzy Bennet, what a nice surprise! And Darce, my old friend!”

"George Wickham was standing there, clad in black leather, showing off his heavily tattooed, well muscled arms. Darcy froze and he didn´t need to see that absolute terror in Lizzy´s eyes to know that he´d made a terrible mistake.

"Nine years ago Wickham had left Austria for Hamburg and London, to make his way as a drummer. Darcy had known him since childhood and he realised that Esther´s features weren´t familiar because he had her mother´s on his mind constantly but because she was George Wickham´s daughter.

"The bastard must have been really busy before leaving; not only did he destroy faith, innocence and self-esteem of Darcy´s little sister Georgiana, then barely sixteen, obviously he had also impregnated Elizabeth Bennet, as Esther was a little over eight years. Darcy´s stomach turned at the mere thought and to his utter horror Wickham seemed to have reached the same conclusions.

"He knelt down and, putting on his considerable charm, adressed Esther

"“And who´s this, won´t anyone introduce me to this lovely young lady?”

"Esther beamed, now there was an adult who took her seriously, who didn´t whisper and push her around. Lizzy shook with barely concealed rage, fists clenching. Darcy was quite sure she would have beaten him had not Esther been present. Between clenched teeth she said to him

"“Get out of my eyes!”

"He left.

"---

"The next months were busy for Darcy, he was asked to do “Don Giovanni” for the Viennese Festwochen, and he threw himself into work with a vehemence unknown to him before. For the first weeks he tried to reach Lizzy on her mobile, but she broke the connection whenever she heard his voice, and never returned his calls. He tried to arrange a meeting via mutual acquaintances but to no avail. Deep down he knew it was selfish to demand from her to hear him out, to give him a chance to apologize. He could only suspect but what ever she had experienced at George Wickham´s hands could be worse than his grief over Charles. Besides that it had been preposterous of him to interfere – how she dealt with the issue of her daughter´s father was her responsibility alone.

"When all his attempts to talk to Elizabeth failed he tried to forget about the incident and about her and Esther. As he was rehearsing a lot and furthermore accepted every invitation to any social function he received this strategy seemed to work, at least by daylight. At night he often had a familiar nightmare – a werewolf with George Wickham´s face was dragging Georgiana away from him, only ever so often it was not his sister but Elizabeth, or even Esther.

"During the opening of an exhibition he met a friend from university who now worked for the Burg theatre. In glowing expressions he told Darcy of how lucky he´d been in finally finding the ideal person to select and arrange the music for most of the plays they produced. On and on he waxed about her taste, knowledge and – very important – skill to deal with those directors who were know as to be the most difficult ones. Darcy was getting bored when his acquaintance mentioned the name of this wonderful person – Lizzy Bennet. He subpressed his growing anticipation and tried to sublty extract rehearsal – times from his opponent. Having done so he went home, sleeping undisturbed for the first time in two months. Tomorrow he would catch her when leaving work, tomorrow he would be able to apologize.

"---

"Darcy had been waiting for half an hour at the back entrance of the Burg theatre and seen most actors leave. He hoped that Lizzy would be alone because he feared she would need some persuading to hear him out. Finally she emerged from the door, head turned back in a greeting to the porter. When she passed under a street lamp he was startled how much she was altered since the summer – she´d lost several pounds, was very pale and looked exhausted. What was worst was that he could detect none of the usual sparkle in her eyes, the spring in her step, she appeared utterly weary and tired.

"He stepped forward, calling her name. When she turned round her eyes flashed in recognition but even showing anger seemed to cause her an effort.

"“I will not detain you long, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I know now I was wrong, I should have done what you said. I hope you can accept my apology.”

"For a moment it appeared as if she would just walk off but then she drew herself together and stepped closer.

"“So you are sorry, are you? What for? For not taking Esther away when I begged you to do so? For your arrogant assumption to know what is right for my daughter? –“

"Darcy tried to cut in.

"“Elizabeth, I know Wickham. I know him since he´s a little boy and therefore can fully understand why you didn´t want to know Esther.”

"She stopped him with an impatient wave of her hand.

"“You cannot possibly know him as I do – do you get my meaning? You have made my life a living hell, if you choke on your blasted apology I will not be sorry! That dirty SOB has Esther wrapped around his little finger, she is deliriously happy to finally have a daddy and if I tried to get rid of him it would break her heart!”

"“But –“

"“No buts. I know you think every child has a right to know his father but I beg to differ!”

"“Lizzy, I do understand! I agree that Esther´s better off without a father than with such a father. If I can help you, I know lawyers if he tries something about custody, please let me –“

"By then tears were streaming down her face, her words were hardly coherent.

"“I told you you can not understand. And neither can you help. I was young and easily impressed and foolish when I fell for Wickham but soon found out he was no-good. When I told him of my decision to break off he had a way to show me that nobody chuckes George Wickham, at least not without his way of saying farewell. A friend found me as I was trying to kill myself. By the time I found out that my constant throwing up was not a psychosomatic reaction to the rape it was too late for an abortion.”

"Elizabeth fumbled for a handkerchief, still shaking. Darcy had to lean on a parked car, fighting the nausea that was threatening to overwhelm him. In a calmer voice she continued

"“I learned to love Esther with all my heart. The moment she first lay in my arms everything else was forgotten. My whole life is dedicated to make her happy and I think I have been reasonably successful so far. Now Wickham has moved in. You may say I shouldn´t have let him but I didn´t have any choice. He still has a lot of friends in Vienna. Making a living as a jazz musician is difficult anyway, as a female with a small child it is near impossible. If he throws any obstacle into my path that small patch of the Viennese jazz scene I have conquered is gone in a moment. Also a move to Graz or Salzburg wouldn´t help a bit, these cities are far to small for me to stay hidden from him. And I´m not good enough to make my way in London or New York.

"Besides that Esther dotes on him. I can see her heading for the worst heartbreak in her young life because he will dissappoint her sooner or later but I can´t do anything about it. He has a way with her - she can´t see what he really is, and I do not want her to. He attends her schoolplays when I´m rehearsing, he has charmed my neighbours, he even has our social worker wrapped around his little finger. She had always been wary of me because of that suicide attempt and my working hours. George has offered to tip them off to some grams of cocain in my flat, he says he´s got enough supply, he won´t miss them in case I do not cooperate. Then I would have the choice between leaving Esther with George or sending her to a foster home. – So you really thought you could offer an apology?”

"Elizabeth turned on her heels and was gone.

"Darcy stopped fighting and threw up violently between two parking cars.

Copyright held by Elke - 2004