Darcy inclined his head so that it rested against the corner of the coach, glad that they were at last leaving the outer boundary of Kent. He hoped that the physical distance between him and the scene of his recent disgrace would allow his mind to finally rest, enabling him to put his humiliation and loss aside, even for just a little while. The next half hour of failed sleep, however, proved his supposition foolish. Regardless of time or distance, he could scarcely meditate on any subject without it reflexively leading back to his rejection at Hunsford.

With a contemptuous laugh and a sad shake of his head, he recalled his emotions before he had entered the parsonage -- his giddy nervousness and his overflowing ardent devotion that he so wanted to bestow and finally have returned. He was so sure that she would be expecting his addresses. He had envisioned her acceptance and their subsequent rapture. His optimism now seemed so ridiculous. That he had so misjudged the situation was clearly another sin to add to the list that Elizabeth had catalogued. He thought back to the torturous weeks before he made his fateful decision. He had constantly debated his course of action regarding her and never realized how she felt, how she perceived him. His mind jumped to his letter. Surely, in it, he had explained himself. Not that it mattered now. He would never see her again and even if he did, she could never love him. She had made that quite clear. He was the last man in the world whom she could ever be prevailed on to marry. He closed his eyes and took a long deep breath, trying to quell the enveloping despair.

He had to take control. He could not continue this way. It got him nowhere. He went over and over all the facts of his failed interaction with Elizabeth and it always led to the same conclusion. She did not love him and never would. The question was whether she was justified in her opinion of him? Yes, she had been wrong about Wickham, but what of her other complaints? Was he arrogant and selfish? Yes, he had to admit that his conduct towards her might be considered arrogant. How else could he explain his misjudgment regarding her opinion of him? During the many weeks that he conducted his internal debate as to her worthiness to be his wife, he had never once considered that his regard for her was not returned. If he had given it any thought, he had most likely just assumed that his position and fortune would be enough. But, in hindsight, was that really what he hoped would persuade Elizabeth to accept his hand? Whatever the cause of his mistake, it was certainly selfish to have never bothered to taken her opinion of him into account. Oh, if only he had taken her feelings into consideration. He probably still would not have her, but the horrible humiliation of his proposal would have been avoided.

Was his conduct after his proposal any better? After he had written his letter, he had resolved to rise above his despondency and demonstrate to Elizabeth that her criticisms were wrong by acting in a manner she could approve, but he ultimately lacked the ability to accomplish the task. She had accused him of haughtiness and indifference and he had acted exactly in that manner after her indictment. He wanted to say something more to her as he handed her the letter. To explain his hidden heart to her as he had failed to do in his writing, but he stood stiff and proud and walked away without looking back. He next vowed to show her that he could act with the requisite civility by taking proper leave of the inhabitants of the parsonage. But when the time came, he stood by mute, barely acknowledging anyone, as he debated with himself whether his anguish was greater for having been deprived of an opportunity for a final look at her or if her presence, displaying her obvious contempt of him, would have been worse.

In the end though, what did it matter? The results were the same. He had not only lost her, but he now knew that instead of loving him, she held him in contempt. That she was alive in the world and thinking so poorly of him was more than his accursed pride could stand. That the one woman he valued among all others thought the very least of him brought upon him a despair that he could never imagine overcoming.

But he had to. People relied upon him, and not just Georgiana. Yet he was about to prove Elizabeth's reproof as to his selfishness true by embarking on a sustained plan of self-pity. In an attempt to steel himself, he thought of the grief that he had endured over his parent's passing and how he had eventually picked himself up to tend to his responsibilities. He knew that in this new despair, he would also have to learn to carry on. In the past, he had thrown himself into the management of Pemberley and the care of Georgiana, but now he questioned his own judgment and ability to do either. How could he be trusted to know the right course of action for others when he so failed himself?

Whether her criticism of him was justified or not, he knew he had to plan a path to a future that did not include her. But he could not envision it. He had already spent so much time thinking about Elizabeth to the exclusion of all else. He thought that his proposal to her would allow him to finally get on with his life, albeit in a different manner. Now her rejection of him threatened to indefinitely cast a pall over everything he did. How could he return to Pemberley after he had spent so many nights fantasizing about arriving there with her on his arm - bringing her into his bed? London held nothing for him. Bingley was there, but he could hardly face him now that he knew that in addition to his own remorse, he was responsible for causing his friend's despair.

He suddenly realized how much his ill-conceived proposal had cost him. Not only had he lost Elizabeth but her criticism of him had shaken his self-confidence in a way that he had never before experienced. He could not undo the past and he was no longer sure that he had the ability to clearly decide about the future. As his ruminations swirled, self-doubt quickly turned to self-loathing.

Darcy was finally roused from his torment by the voice of his cousin and traveling companion, Col. Fitzwilliam. "Darcy, what are you thinking of? I have been watching you for the last few miles and the dark clouds that pass over your countenance are disturbing to say the least. Surely, you do not regret your removal from our Aunt?"

"No, not really" muttered Darcy.

"Have Lady Catherine's obvious references to the unification of your families become too heavy handed for even you to bear? Because otherwise, I thought the visit far more enjoyable than usual. The frequent inclusion of some of the Hunsford party was an unexpected pleasure."

Choosing to ignore the oblique reference to Miss Bennet, Darcy simply replied, "Our Aunt's comments were no more than I expected. Although I think that the situation she refers to is just one more area of my life where I fear I have not behaved as well as I could."

"What is this, Cousin?" exclaimed the Colonel amiably. "Critical introspection? That is a trait I was not aware you possessed. I have always admired your decisive confidence in your every opinion and action. In any regard, if I were in your shoes, I would not begin to know how to handle our Aunt. I think your studious avoidance of the topic borders on tactical genius as it steers clear of both Scylla and Charybdis."

"Maybe," replied Darcy "but I have of late come to realize that I look on all my interactions solely from my own selfish perspective. The other side of decisive confidence is arrogance. I have never considered how my actions affect others. For instance, I have never thought of whether my avoidance of the topic of Cousin Anne gives pain to Anne or not. I have no idea of how she actually feels because I have never cared to know it. It is clear that my disinterest in her as a wife will grievously injure our Aunt, but I am content to take the coward's way out and never comment on my feelings. It seems obvious now that the whole situation is but another example of my selfish disdain for the feeling of others."

"Darcy, what are you saying? Why this melancholy? You have always acted honorably. You know our Aunt is impossible and that she has unfairly cast you into this situation with Cousin Anne. What is this really about?"

"You are right in one respect, Fitzwilliam, it is not the situation with Cousin Anne that is disturbing me. In fact, maybe I have been too hasty in regard to her. Maybe I should consider her as a Mistress for Pemberley. I see no other suitable prospects on the horizon who would have me."

"That, Sir, is hardly likely and the suitability of any woman to become the Mistress of Pemberley is for you alone to determine," Col. Fitzwilliam said evenly, suspecting that his Aunt's endless prattle could not induce this mood in Darcy. "I am more interested in knowing what has gotten you in to such a state as to consider it."

Darcy paused at length, trying to consider how much of his heart to reveal. He knew that brooding alone was not the answer and he did trust his cousin implicitly. But then again, he did not think he could speak plainly about Elizabeth so soon after the disastrous events in Kent and retain his composure. His pride may have been his worst enemy, but it was all he had left, and he could not bear the thought of lamenting the loss of Elizabeth in front of anyone, even one of his closest relatives. So, he responded in a quiet tone by simply saying that, "I recently had the opportunity to see myself through someone else's eyes and I am not pleased with the result.

"Of who's eyes are we speaking?" the Colonel asked, he curiosity peaked.

"It does not matter. The important thing is that it has awakened me to my many failings and my selfish nature."

"What failings, Darcy? What selfishness? You are a good man, a loving brother, a fine and fair master to many servants and tenants, and a good friend to me and to others.”

“I thank you for the effort, but I believe you are taking the bare requisites of civility that I occasionally exhibit and exaggerating them into virtues. It would be more honest to admit that I am basically a selfish and self-absorbed man who only interacts with others generously when the dictates of duty absolutely demand it.”

“Darcy, come now, you are not selfish. You are generous in both material matters and in spirit. Did you not recently tell me of the service you provided a friend in need? Is that not evidence of your concern for others?”

"A service I provided!" Darcy contemptuously spat. "That my dear cousin is exactly what I am talking about. In this very carriage I bragged to you about my behavior towards Bingley last fall and now I realize that I may have committed a grave injustice upon him. In retrospect I cannot believe how officiously I acted - all because I hold my own opinions in such high regard that I convinced Bingley to rely upon them above his own. If this is not a failing, then I know not what is."

Looking at Darcy with great remorse, Col. Fitwilliam confessed that he had concluded that it was Bingley that Darcy had spoken of on their earlier journey and had stated as much to Miss Bennet in Kent. "Darcy, I am so sorry for my lack of discretion in this matter, in an attempt to defend your character, I let it slip to Miss Bennet that you had recently protected a friend from an unfortunate alliance. Afterwards, I realized from her reaction and the fact that she knew Bingley and his sisters from your travels in Hertfordshire that I had most likely misspoke by mentioning it to her at all. Did I put you in an awkward situation?"

"No more than I deserved, Fitzwilliam, and defending my character to Miss Bennet is a undertaking that no mortal could accomplish."

"Then you two spoke of it?" the Colonel inquired. "Does she know the family involved?"

"Fitzwilliam, she is a member of the family involved! Bingley was taken with Miss Elizabeth Bennet's oldest sister, Jane. I believed, it now seems erroneously, that Miss Bennet had no real regard for Bingley and was accepting his overtures out of deference to his position and fortune and not from any real affection on her side. Bingley trusted in my estimation of her regard above all others and quit Hertfordshire indefinitely without even extending her a proper goodbye."

"Darcy! This is all my fault," exclaimed Col. Fitzwilliam "I must make amends. What have I done? I need to speak-- ."

Darcy held up his hand to silence his cousin. "Do not trouble yourself about it any further Fitzwilliam. If my actions cannot withstand the light of day, then they do not deserve protection. Miss Elizabeth Bennet is a very astute young woman and no doubt suspected my interference without your accidental intelligence. We had an opportunity to, let us say, discuss the matter and I confessed my involvement to her. She led me to understand that I was wrong about her sister's affections and through that, and other circumstances, I have come to see my behavior for what it was."

"Knowing you as I do, and considering Miss Bennet's forthright disposition, I can only imagine that your discussion was a lively one."

"Yes," Darcy muttered, "that is an understatement."

"So that explains the tension I thought existed between the two of you whenever I saw you together in Kent," surmised Col. Fitzwilliam. "You always seemed so uncomfortable around her. I even wondered at one point if you preferred her, but I thought it unlikely given that her connections were not sufficient for you to consider her a serious prospect."

"Yes, Fitzwilliam, you know me well enough to know that I would look at a woman's value by first appraising her financial status and her family's position in society."

"Darcy, I implied no such thing. How singular you are acting. Let me help. I could endeavor to further my acquaintance with Miss Bennet and then explain your motives to her."

Gazing out the window, Darcy said resolutely, "There is no point in discussing how I could change Miss Elizabeth Bennet's estimation of me. I have attempted to justify my conduct to her already and I feel fairly certain there is nothing more to be gained in that regard. The question is what do I do about Bingley?"

"I suppose, Darcy, you must tell him or, at least, talk him into returning to Hertfordshire so he can find out on his own."

"But what if that would only make matters worse. I have already jeopardized their happiness by my presumptuous interference. What if I excite Bingley's hopes and she no longer has affections for him or cannot forgive him for his seemingly thoughtless treatment this fall. In the same vein, what if Bingley has finally gotten over his attachment for Miss Bennet and his return excites unwarranted hope on her part given that her sister will have undoubtedly have told her of my interference."

Knitting his brow, Col. Fitzwilliam replied, "I guess then you must be more sure of your facts before you act. I understand that you feel guilty about your mistake Darcy, but I do not quite comprehend the level of distress this is causing you. It was an innocent error on your part. Despite your interference, they are both adults and can figure this out themselves. Besides, now that Miss Elizabeth knows the truth, she may be able to resolve the problem herself."

Darcy took his time to respond and eventually said, "I do not think Miss Elizabeth would be in a position to effect much of a change to the situation and, in any regard, I would rather not impose upon her any further."

"Well," inquired the Colonel, "than what is your plan?"

"I will visit Bingley in London and determine where his affections lie. From there, I will just have to see."

Suspecting that there was more to the story than Darcy was admitting, the Colonel added, "That seems prudent and I hope you are able to resolve the situation to everyone's benefit, not only for their sake, but for your own. If this is the cause of your dark mood since our departure from Kent, it is affecting you more than it should. I believe you take too much upon yourself."

Darcy failed to respond and instead continued to gaze out the window. Despite the length of the journey, sleep never found him.


Chapter Two - The True Meaning of Heartache

Darcy returned to his London home carrying the same despair that had been his constant companion since his disastrous proposal at Hunsford. His lament took two distinct forms: regret over the loss of the one woman he could ever imagine loving and obsession over whether her opinion of him was justified. As to both issues, his mood swung between anger at Elizabeth for her shortsightedness and her unwarranted cruelty to remorse and mortification over his own misdeeds and failings.

In moments of weakness, he would imagine Elizabeth regretting her decision. He would envision her mourning all that she had given up, contrite over her misjudgment of Wickham's character. His fantasy would give him temporary relief from his self-reproach but other thoughts always intruded. He would remember that both his father and sister had also been deceived by Wickham and that he himself had trusted him far longer than he should have. These sober thoughts would ultimately remind him of Elizabeth's other criticism and the mistakes that he had committed. They were legion. His thoughtless comment at the Assembly that Elizabeth clearly overheard. His failure to realize the effect of Wickham's lies. His misreading of Jane's regard, his deception during the winter in London. His failure to seize so many opportunities in Hertfordshire and in Kent to make Elizabeth aware of his regard, or at the very least, to learn of her low opinion of him. His ill-timed and ill-worded proposal. And finally, his inability to accept Elizabeth for the prize that she was instead of being blinded to her virtues by the meaningless dictates of society and rank.

He began to realize that, regardless of whether he would ever have Elizabeth's love or respect, he had to come to terms with his own behavior if he ever wanted to put this unfortunate episode behind him. His letter, if Elizabeth believed it, may have acquitted him of cruelty towards Wickham but there still remained her complaints about his lack of civility and his conduct towards Miss Bennet and Bingley. He had attempted to explain that his motives in separating Bingley from Jane were prompted by feelings of friendship and that his misreading of the situation was unintentional. Regardless of the justification, the damage was still done.

But there was something more. He knew in his heart that he had not been totally honest in his letter, or to himself, about all that had transpired. It was true that when he initially decided to intervene in Bingley’s affairs, he had misunderstood the state of Miss Bennet’s regard. But when he saw Miss Bennet in London calling on Miss Bingley, he had nagging doubts about her reason for coming. Yet he did not bother to pursue the matter further or alert Bingley of her visit. He told himself he did it to spare Bingley needless distress; but he also realized that it was in his own self-interest to keep Bingley away from Miss Bennet if he was going to succeed in his poorly conceived plan to put Elizabeth out of his mind. His inaction and subsequent deception haunted him. Had he remained silent simply to protect his friend or had he deliberately sacrificed Bingley’s happiness to suit his own needs? While his failure to court Elizabeth in a civil manner ultimately destroyed his chances to win her, at least he was his only victim. His actions towards Bingley were another matter, and in hindsight they now appeared enormously selfish.

Regardless of whether Elizabeth's overall criticism was warranted, he knew that if he continued to ignore the damage that he had caused Bingley and Miss Bennet, her reproof would ultimately be justified. Knowing what he now knew about Miss Bennet's regard for Bingley, he could no longer excuse his continued inaction. At the very least, he needed to determine if there was anything he could do to correct his prior mistake. If nothing else, the task would allow him something constructive to think about, diverting his mind, if only momentarily, from his fixation with Elizabeth, his failure to win her hand, and her stinging critique of his character.

Darcy therefore resolved to see Bingley to determine if he still had feelings for Miss Bennet. If he did, he would talk Bingley into returning to Netherfield. Once there, he would observe Miss Bennet to see whether she still held Bingley in high regard. If she did, he would tell Bingley of his sisters' interference and his own deception. Darcy recognized that his plan would most likely force him to face both the mortification of seeing Elizabeth again and Bingley's wrath, but he knew it was a penance he deserved. His only hope was that his interaction with Elizabeth would be brief. He toyed with the idea of telling Bingley the truth before he could ascertain whether Miss Bennet would accept Bingley's renewed addresses, but he could not help but believe that it as the coward's way out. He knew that the only advantage to that plan was that it would allow him to avoid the necessity of his returning to Netherfield. Darcy vowed that in this endeavor he would not put his own comfort before others.

To that end, Darcy attempted to see Bingley the day after he arrived in London, but was told he was unavailable. Darcy pressed the matter and eventually it was determined that he would call the next morning. Upon his arrival in Bingley's library, his host bounded forward, smiling, to clasp Darcy’s hand. For a moment, Darcy was relieved. Bingley appeared to be in his usual spirits. Maybe he had gotten over Miss Bennet after all. After some initial small talk, however, Darcy knew better. Bingley appeared listlessness and when Darcy questioned him on his activities while he had been away in Kent, he was distressed to learn that Bingley had hardly socialized at all. While this might not have been unusual for Darcy, it was highly atypical of his friend. As they continued to talk, Darcy watched Bingley closely and noticed his inattentiveness and his underlying somber air. Bingley attempted to appear happy and engaged, but his posture showed he was actually patiently waiting for the visit to be done so he could retreat to his own thoughts once more. Given Darcy's new familiarity with heartache, he immediately understood Bingley's frame of mind. It was clear that Bingley was still in love with Miss Bennet.

Bingley had probably been acting this way since their departure from Hertfordshire. But Darcy had not bothered to understand the signs before. At the time, Darcy had been struggling with his own perceived heartache over his attempts to put Elizabeth Bennet out of his mind. At the time, he believed that he held all the cards and only needed to decide what he wanted. Now he knew what true heartache felt like. He held no cards at all. He was powerless and would never have what he wanted. It was now clear to him that Bingley had been suffering the same loss since last winter, and as a result his composure was tenuous at best.

After a lengthy pause in conversation, Darcy decided to address the question of Miss Bennet. Changing the subject more abruptly than he had hoped, he asked: "Bingley, last fall when we were in Hertfordshire, do you remember meeting a land agent by the name of Mr. Briggs?"

Bingley, who started at the mention of Hertfordshire, regained his composure and feebly replied, "Yes, I think I recall him."

"Well," continued Darcy, "he had some very interesting ideas on crop rotation. Do you remember we talked to him about it at some length?"

"I suppose I do recall it, but not much of the particulars."

"Well," began Darcy cautiously, "I thought I might call on him. I have been thinking about some of his ideas for Pemberley. Have you given any thought to returning to Hertfordshire at any time in the near future? I could accompany you and while we were there I could speak with Briggs. It would give you an opportunity to check on Netherfield and see how the planting is going. Or, if you like, we could look in on some of your acquaintances."

Bingley was silent for a long time. Darcy hoped he would take the bait.

Looking grave, Bingley replied in a measured tone, "Of late I have been given the subject of Netherfield much thought, and I believe I was mistaken in taking the place. I acted too impulsively. I will not be renewing the lease, and as such, I see no reason to return. I did enjoyed having it for a while but I would prefer to just let it go. The sooner I cut the ties, the better. Darcy, maybe if you are truly intent on going there, you could do me a favor. I could make the place available to you so that you could conduct your business and while you were there you could see if there were any eligible purchase offers to be had."

Darcy noted the change in Bingley's demeanor. His cheerful mask was gone and the pain that the mention of Netherfield, and by implication Miss Bennet, caused was evident. In an attempt to get him his friend to reconsider, Darcy tentatively replied, "Well, of course Bingley, I would be more than happy to help you, but do you not think that maybe you have been too hasty in rejecting the place out of hand. When you were there in the fall you seemed take pleasure in it.”

"Yes," responded Bingley in a decisive tone that was unusual for him, "I am quite sure that I do not want to return. It has taken me a great deal of time for me to finally come to the conclusion that I am better off without the place. If I returned there, it would only reopen the debate and I would rather not go over that territory again."

Darcy attempted to respond, but before he could, Bingley interrupted him again and said in a tone that closed the subject, "Darcy, I am really quite adamant and I ask that you respect my wishes in this regard. If you do not want to help me sell Netherfield that is fine, but I am not returning to Hertfordshire.

Darcy sat dumbfounded. He had expected he would have to convince Bingley to return to Netherfield, but the depth of Bingley's resistance startled him. The mere discussion of Netherfield had obviously caused Bingley great pain and reawakened his struggle to forget Miss Bennet. Knowing how much his own struggle to accept Elizabeth's rejection had cost him, Darcy understood Bingley's fragile state. This revelation did not make Darcy's choice any easier. He was willing to confess everything to Bingley and lose him as a friend if that was what was required to set the matter right. His sense of honor and duty required as much. But what would that accomplish if Miss Bennet was no longer inclined towards Bingley? He had been so cavalier with Bingley and Miss Bennet's emotions in the past, he wanted to be certain about what could be done to rectify the situation before he meddled any further. The self-doubt that Darcy had experienced over his recent mistakes overwhelmed him, and he felt that he could not trust his own judgment. He knew that he had reached a crossroad and that he had to make a decision, but he had been wrong so often lately that he no longer had any faith in his ability to choose correctly. In the end, he decided that the most prudent course would be best.

After a pause, Darcy finally responded, "Certainly, Bingley. I understand. I will go there on my own then. I can handle any decisions regarding Netherfield. I will visit just long enough to see Mr. Briggs and to inquire after any purchasers. But, Bingley, do give me leave to put off the sale of the property if I believe it is in your best interest. Sometimes, in such a delicate matter as the sale of an estate, timing is everything."

"Darcy, you know I will always defer to your judgment in such matters."

Darcy replied in a resolute voice "Yes, Bingley, I do."

The rest of the afternoon was spent on much more mundane matters. Bingley agreed to send an express to Netherfield to prepare them for Darcy’s arrival at the end of the week. He, in turn, promised Bingley that he would see him directly upon his return. Darcy then took his leave upon learning that Bingley's sisters were expected for dinner.

During the carriage ride back to his townhouse, Darcy reflected on the events of the day. His decision to return to Netherfield seemed impetuous, but he did not feel he could prod Bringley on the subject any further without a full confession and he did not see the value in doing so until he knew whether Miss Bennet would welcome Bingley's return. Elizabeth had already told him that her sister had real affection for Bingley and he assumed that Elizabeth would also tell her about the contents of his letter. All that was left for him to do was to determine if Miss Bennet's feeling for Bingley had remained unchanged. Surely, the opportunity to do so would somehow arise. Once it did, he would confess all to Bingley and force his return.

The idea of his returning to Hertfordshire, where he would certainly encounter Elizabeth, filled him with dread, embarrassment, and, a level of nervousness that he had not thought possible. He knew how it would look, as if he were begging for her to reconsider. But, it could not be helped. He would have to be careful to make it clear to her that he was not attempting to importune her any further. Hopefully their interaction could be kept to a minimum.

At the same time, he wanted to act in a manner that would make her realize that she had been wrong about him. Not to win her back, but maybe just to make her rethink her harshest judgments. If he was honest, on some level he wanted her to feel regret. Whether or not he could accept all of her criticism, he did regret his treatment of her in so many ways. It would be a small but important victory if she could at least repent some of her behavior. He therefore prepared for his trip to Hertfordshire with two avowed goals. He would attempt to repair the damage he had caused Bingley, and he would use every civility in his power to improve his reputation in the neighborhood so that Elizabeth might view him in a different light.


Chapter Three - Back to Hertfordshire

Elizabeth returned to Hertfordshire via London happy to be leaving behind all that had occurred in Kent. She was only truly comforted, however, when she and Jane were reunited at Longbourn. Elizabeth had longed to tell Jane of what had transpired between herself and Mr. Darcy in Kent. Her eagerness to share all with Jane, however, was tempered by the state of indecision in which she remained as to the extent of what she should communicate; and her fear, if she once entered on the subject, of being hurried into repeating something of Bingley which might only grieve her sister farther.

Elizabeth decided that prudence required that she should only tell Jane of Mr. Darcy's proposal and her intelligence regarding Wickham's character. She dared not relate the other half of Mr. Darcy's letter, nor explain to her sister how sincerely she had been valued by his friend. Here was knowledge in which no one could partake; and she was sensible that nothing less than a perfect understanding between the parties could justify her in throwing off this last incumbrance of mystery. "And then," said she, "if that very improbable event should ever take place, I shall merely be able to tell what Bingley may tell in a much more agreeable manner himself. The liberty of communication cannot be mine till it has lost all its value!"

She was now, on being settled at home, at leisure to observe the real state of her sister's spirits. Jane was not happy. She still cherished a very tender affection for Bingley. Having never even fancied herself in love before, her regard had all the warmth of first attachment, and, from her age and disposition, greater steadiness than first attachments often boast; and so fervently did she value his remembrance, and prefer him to every other man, that all her good sense, and all her attention to the feelings of her friends, were requisite to check the indulgence of those regrets which must have been injurious to her own health and their tranquility.

In this state, the ladies of Longbourn were assembled in the front parlor when they heard a rider approach. Kitty looked out the window to discover who it was.

“La!” exclaim Kitty, "it looks just like that man that used to be with Mr. Bingley before. Mr. what's-his-name. That tall, proud man."

"Good gracious! Mr. Darcy!-and so it does, I vow. Well, any friend of Mr. Bingley's will always be welcome here, to be sure; but else I must say that I hate the very sight of him."

Jane looked at Elizabeth with surprise and concern. She knew the awkwardness which must attend her sister, in seeing him for the first time after receiving his explanatory letter. She also felt a bitter stab of disappointment as she realized that he had arrived without his friend. Jane’s disappointment soon turned to nervousness as she apprehended that Mr. Darcy would certainly have news of Mr. Bingley and it would probably include some intelligence as to the state of his regard for Miss Darcy. Both sisters were uncomfortable enough. Each felt for the other, and of course for themselves; and their mother talked on, of her dislike of Mr. Darcy, and her resolution to be civil to him only as Mr. Bingley's friend, without being heard by either of them.

But Elizabeth had sources of uneasiness which could not be suspected by Jane, to whom she had never yet had courage to shew Mr. Darcy's letter, or to relate the circumstances surrounding Mr. Bingley departure from Hertfordshire. Elizabeth sat intently at work, striving to be composed, and without daring to lift up her eyes, till anxious curiosity carried them to the face of her sister as the servant was approaching the door. Jane looked a little paler than usual, but more sedate than Elizabeth had expected.

Mr. Darcy was announced. He was so nervous he felt almost dizzy. He had spent the ride from Netherfield debating whether he would be able to actually carry through his vow to enter Longbourn. He had arrived in Hertfordshire the previous morning but soon realized that while he had every intention of learning Miss Bennet's state of regard for Bingley, he had no plan to accomplish the task. He once again regretted his prior reserved behavior in the neighborhood. Because he had never considered the people of the area worth knowing, he had made no acquaintances separate from Bingley who he could call upon to gather information from about Miss Bennet. Consequently, he soon came to the realization that his only option was to go to Longbourn and see for himself. He knew how it would look to Elizabeth, but he felt he had no option. He pledged that he would show her no more attention than anyone else, so that she would understand that he was not attempting to force himself upon her. When he saw her, he wondered whether he could muster the resolve.

Upon his entrance, Elizabeth said as little as civility would allow, and sat down again to her work, with an eagerness which it did not often command. She had ventured only one glance at Darcy. He returned her look, unsure of what to say, acknowledging her with a simple bow. He soon realized that while he was contemplating Elizabeth’s reaction, Mrs. Bennet had been speaking to him. She was expressing her surprise at his appearance in Hertfordshire. He willed himself to tear his eyes from Elizabeth so that he could offer her mother a proper response.

"I have some business in the area and wanted to pay my respects for your previous civility."

Without even attempting to make her comment believable, Mrs. Bennet told Darcy in a forced manner that he was always welcome at Longbourn. Adding, "Is Mr. Bingley with you? He is quite in my debt for a dinner and we were all surprised when he left so abruptly in the fall."

"No, I am traveling alone, although Mr. Bingley was gracious enough to give me the use of Netherfield while in the neighborhood." As Darcy was speaking he looked at Miss Bennet to see how she had reacted to his words. He thought he detected some discomfiture on her part but could not determine its cause.

Not wanting to let the opportunity go by, Mrs. Bennet ventured further, "And how is Mr. Bingley?"

"He is quite well, Madame. Thank you."

"Is he still in London? Does he intend to return here for the summer?"

Darcy realized he had to tread carefully so that neither Miss Bennet nor Elizabeth misconstrued his answer. He did not, however, want to make a promise regarding Bingley that he could not keep, so he resolved to tell the truth -- as much of as possible. "Yes, he is in London, but he has not indicated to me that he intends to return to Hertfordshire."

Mrs. Bennet could not hide her disappointment. "Well, I would have thought he would return. He seemed so inclined to stay. I cannot imagine why he changed his mind." Darcy instinctively looked to Elizabeth who returned his gaze with an icy, defiant stare.

Darcy cringed and swallowed hard. He wanted to explain the reason for his return to her but knew it was hopeless. He would have to plow forward and hope for the best. Darcy turned his attention to Mrs. Bennet, who oblivious to the pain she was causing her eldest daughter, peevishly continued: "Maybe he finds the charms of London more pleasant. I am sure there are many entertainments there to keep him occupied."

Darcy saw Miss Bennet's back stiffen at her mother’s comments. He could not determine if her reaction was from pure embarrassment at her mother's lack of tact or if it was in reaction to the implication that Bingley had abandoned her for another. Darcy realized he was losing control of the situation. If Miss Bennet still had feeling for Bingley, this was surely torture. He needed to learn the state of Miss Bennet's regard but attempting to do so in such a public manner was neither desirable nor productive. Consequently, he desperately tried to think of something to say to change the subject. Once again, he regretted his taciturn nature and his lack of social skills.

To his relief, Elizabeth, who also wanted to change the subject for Jane's sake, entered into the conversation as her mother paused for breath. "Mr. Darcy, are Mr. Bingley's sisters well?"

Startled, but grateful, Darcy replied, "Yes, Miss Bennet, thank you. I did not have the opportunity to see them during my recent visit to London, but I am assured they are well."

Seeing that her mother would quickly turn any inquiry regarding Bingley's sisters into an invitation to return to the topic of their brother, Elizabeth attempted another subject; one that she thought might convey some of her regret over her misjudgment of Wickham’s character and, if she was lucky, indirectly give Jane some comfort. "Is your own sister with them? I have not had the pleasure of meeting Miss Darcy but you have spoken of her in such high regard and affection that I am sure she is quite lovely. I hope you did not have to leave her all alone while you are attending to your business."

Feeling some of the implication of Elizabeth's words, Darcy held her eyes and smiled gratefully. "She is quite well, thank you. She is currently at study in London with her companion. She has not had the opportunity of seeing any of the Bingley family as of yet this year but I hope that I will be reunited with her at Pemberley early this summer. Whenever we are apart I miss her a great deal.

An awkward silence ensued. Darcy was taken aback by Elizabeth's mention of his sister, as it seemed to implicitly acknowledge his letter. Did this mean that she believed him about Wickham? From Elizabeth’s cold reception of him it seemed clear that she wanted nothing more to do with him. Perhaps though, she had accepted his information about Wickham’s past dealings. He had to admit he was relieved. Mixed with his regret over her rejection was the lurking fear that she held Wickham in a special regard. Even if he could never have her, Darcy took some solace in the fact that she would never be one of Wickham’s victims.

Elizabeth, in turn, was completely baffled. She could not comprehend what he was doing in Hertfordshire. Since he had not brought Bingley with him, and had made it clear that Bingley had no immediate plans to return to the neighborhood, she could not believe that Darcy’s return was prompted by any regret over his actions towards her sister. It seemed impossible that Darcy had come to continue their acquaintance after all that had transpired in Kent, but there seemed to be no other explanation. While it was true that she did not want Jane to suffer any further embarrassment at her mother's hands, she also did not intend to continue to direct the flow of the conversation for Mr. Darcy when she still could not forgive him for his role in separating Bingley from Jane and had no idea what it was he hoped to accomplish by coming.

Luckily for them, Mrs. Bennet abhorred silence and jumped into the void. "Mr. Darcy, I did not know you had a sister. How old is she?"

Relieved to talk about a subject that he felt comfortable with, Darcy explained the situation of Georgiana's guardianship and continued on to tell them of her interest in music.

Mr. Darcy had only spoke seven or eight sentences together, but it was the longest any member of the Bennet household, save Elizabeth, had heard him speak. Witnessing such apparent warmth for his sister, even Mrs. Bennet's studious dislike of him had to waiver a bit. In a fit of weakness, she offered him tea and continued the discourse. "Being alone in London at such a young age must be trying for Miss Darcy. Has she much opportunity to socialize?"

"Not many opportunities, no. She is only sixteen and as of yet not out."

Exasperated by such a silly notion, Mrs. Bennet exclaimed harshly, "Sixteen is not too early to be out. My youngest, Lydia, is out and she has received much attention."

Seeing that a tactful respond was required, Mr. Darcy said, "I think in Georgiana's case, I would prefer for her to wait. Without a mother to guide her she has lived a rather sheltered life."

Basking in the oblique compliment, Mrs. Bennet replied, "Yes, I can well imagine. In any regard, Mr. Darcy, the next time you visit you should bring her. I am sure we would all love to meet her."

Incredulous, Elizabeth looked at her mother in disbelief. The idea of Darcy visiting again was beyond her since she could not believe he had come in the first place. She began to feel a growing dread as she recognized the fact that she must be the reason for Darcy’s visit. Worse yet, she began to worry that he might do something to make his interest in her publicly known. The idea that her mother might comprehend Darcy’s intentions was more than she cared to imagine.

In the meantime, Darcy thanked Mrs. Bennet for her gracious invitation. He was amazed to find himself in a situation where he appreciated Mrs. Bennet's ability to engage in meaningless small talk. The awkwardness of this visit was agony on so many levels, but he knew he could not leave without first having found some sort of opening to accomplish his avowed mission. He needed more time and she was providing the opportunity.

Mrs. Bennet, who enjoyed both the sound of her own voice and giving advice, added, "To make amends to your sister for leaving her behind, you should be sure to bring her something from Hertfordshire as a token. Woman do love such thoughtfulness."

"Actually, I try to do just that on all of my travels."

"Well, sir, I think you will find that the many fine shops in Meryton will be more than sufficient for your purposes." Unable to resist the temptation, she added, "some people think that the finer thing in life can only be obtained in the city. I assure you, they are grievously mistaken."

"Yes, Madame, I am sure you are correct. I typically buy my sister sheet music. Maybe you could recommend a local establishment to me."

Elizabeth sat in amazement. Mr. Darcy had twice now answered her mother's provocation with civility. She wondered if this was for her benefit. If the entire visit was for her benefit? While she repented her misjudgment of him regarding Wickham's slander, she did not regret her refusal. His civility towards her mother did show a great improvement in his manners, but his visit, in itself, showed a presumption that confirmed his arrogant nature and his disregard for her feelings. Was he attempting to force her into an alliance by involving her mother, who he well knew would forward the match on mercenary grounds? Surely, only mortification could come of this. Watching him closely, she now suspected that he was simply prolonging the visit in the hopes of gaining an opportunity to speak with her privately. She took comfort in the fact that she would resist such an attempt at all costs.

"Mr. Darcy," her mother continued, "you do not always buy her music, do you?"

Finding her question inane but grateful for the diversion, Darcy replied, "No, I sometimes I buy her books."

Exasperated by Mr. Darcy's lack of understanding, Mrs. Bennet decided that a little motherly advice was required. "Sir, while I am sure your generosity is appreciated, there are many other things that a girl of sixteen would enjoy. I speak with some authority on the subject, given that I have seen five daughter through that age."

"You may be right, but Georgiana seems to take pleasure in such things and I could not imagine what else she would require."

"Oh, there are many things! I am sure that your sister wants for nothing given your fortune, but a girl of her age would love to receive a new bonnet or a reticule or you could even purchase her some fabric or lace for a new dress. I am sure she has the finest dressmakers at her disposal but a unique fabric for a new gown is always welcome. Given that money is no object for you, the possibilities are endless."

Embarrassed by Mrs. Bennet's excited mention of his fortune, Darcy attempted to drop the subject, "Yes, but Georgiana typically selects her own wardrobe."

"Well, of course, but you should not underestimate the value a little direction in that regard would produce. A girl at her age is impressionable. And with no mother to help her chose from the many styles and designs, it might be difficult for her to know what best suits her. Until you have a wife to help guide her, you should take care in this regard." Darcy colored at the mention of his future wife and with his head slightly bowed; he could not resist a quick glance at Elizabeth to gage her reaction to her mother's musings. Elizabeth, however, kept her gaze steadily on the floor.

Undaunted, Mrs. Bennet continued on in an authoritative tone, "Mr. Darcy, every girl needs to develop her own unique style to attract the proper attention. As you see, each one of my own daughters wears a fashion that suits her. Each is a little different. A mother's hand in this regard is quite important."

Darcy hardly knew how to reply, but stammered, "Well, Madame, no one who has seen you or any of your daughters could doubt your success."

"You are too kind, Sir," exclaimed Mrs. Bennet in a flirtatious manner while Elizabeth's emotions swayed from astonishment to humiliation.

Darcy sat in amazement at the turn of the conversation and Mrs. Bennet’s audacity in lecturing him about how to raise Georgiana. He began to wonder how he would ever endure the remainder of the visit without proving Elizabeth’s reproof regarding his ungentlemanly conduct true. On the other hand, he had to admit that while Mrs. Bennet's manner was often harsh, she and her daughters always dressed impeccably given their financial constraints. He wondered if Georgiana did, in fact, find it difficult not having a close female relative to rely upon. Given her general timidity, it was probably natural that she was somewhat unsure of herself in this regard. And, while he had never thought about it before, having the funds available to buy the latest fashions was clearly not all that was required; Caroline Bingley and his Aunt were prime examples of expense over good taste. He shuddered when he thought of how many times Miss Bingley had offered to take Georgiana shopping. As he contemplated such an excursion, an idea suddenly struck him. He offered in reply, "Well, Mrs. Bennet, what would you suggest?"

"If you have previously admired your sister in a particular gown or color, buy her something to go with it. Your notice will encourage her in that direction."

"Thank you, Mrs. Bennet, that seems a wise course of action. I think I will walk into Meryton directly. But, given my inexperience in this area, I am still unsure what I should actually purchase. I think I need another perspective. Maybe some of your daughters would be willing to help me?"

It was not under many minutes that Mrs. Bennet could comprehend what she had heard; though not in general backward to credit what was for the advantage of her family, she understood that a man of superior connections and a fortune of 10,000 pounds a year was seeking the company of one of her daughters. Mrs. Bennet smiled broadly and purred, "Of course, Mr. Darcy."

Elizabeth sat in dread. So, this was what he was after. Her anger rose as she anticipated being asked to join him. She tried to quickly think of a response. She vowed that, if necessary, she would refuse him outright. Screwing up her courage, Elizabeth waited in defiance for Darcy to request her company. To her astonishment, she heard Mr. Darcy reply, "If Miss Bennet is not otherwise engaged maybe she and her sisters could accompany me."

With a gleam in her eye, Mrs. Bennet answered in the affirmative for Jane, who had looked up at the unexpected mention of her name. Mrs. Bennet then added, "I am sure Kitty can also accompany you, but I am afraid my other daughters are needed at home. Kitty, did you not say you wanted to visit with Miss Lucas today? You can stop on the way."

Kitty began to say that she had not said any such thing, but was hushed by her mother into silence and directed with Jane to immediately fetch their bonnets. Mr. Darcy rose to take his leave, proposing to meet the ladies in the garden after he had seen that his horse was taken care of. As he rose, he caught Elizabeth’s eye. She looked at him in astonishment. Unable to think of any other response, Darcy gave her a curt bow filled with contrition. He hoped that she understood his motivation, knowing that she most likely did not.

Elizabeth stared in disbelief, her head reeling. She was filled with determination to get to the bottom of what was happening, and told her mother privately that she was going to go to Meryton too. Her mother exclaimed sharply that she would do no such thing. "It is clear that Mr. Darcy prefers the company of your sister Jane,” her mother exclaimed sharply “They do not need any further chaperon than Kitty. The less people the better. Oh, Lizzy, I do not know why I did not see it before. Mr. Darcy must have always favored Jane's company. That is why he was always so sullen whenever we saw him. He resented Mr. Bingley's interference, and he must be the reason that Mr. Bingley abruptly withdrew his attentions towards her. Now that Bingley is out of the way, Mr. Darcy has returned for Jane. Oh, it all makes sense now. I was sure Jane could not be so beautiful for nothing! Oh, my, think how rich and how great Jane will be! What pin-money, what jewels, what carriages. I am so pleased-so happy. Such a charming man!-so handsome! so tall!-Oh, my dear Lizzy! I must make it up to him for my having disliked him so much before."

"Mama,” pleaded Elizabeth. “I think you must be misunderstanding the situation. Please, do not get carried away before you know all the facts. I will go with them to see what his intention are."

"Oh, Lizzy, absolutely not! There is no point to it. We already know he does not find you pleasing. He has said as much. You will only be in the way. No, Jane will do fine on her own. I will hear no more on the subject."

Elizabeth was forced to watch them go. She took refuge in her room, unable to bear her mother's raptures any longer. In private reflection, she tried to sort out the tumult of emotions she was feeling. Little by little, she realized they included anger, frustration, scorn, bewilderment, embarrassment, curiosity, and, to be honest, a touch of jealousy.


Chapter Four - Similar Natures

After assembling in the garden, the three companions began their journey to Meryton. Kitty soon lagged behind, being both uncomfortable around the stern Mr. Darcy and intent on acceding to her mother’s suggestion that she visit Maria Lucas. After walking for some time in silence, Darcy cleared his throat and finally addressed Jane. “Miss Bennet, I hope that I have not put you in an awkward position by requesting that you accompany me to Meryton?”

Unsure how to respond, Jane replied in her most genteel fashion that she was sure that she would greatly enjoy Mr. Darcy’s company and that she was more than pleased to assist him with his sister.

“My sister?” Darcy absently mindedly inquired. “Oh, yes, we are to shop for her.” After a pause, Darcy added, “Miss Bennet, I must be honest and tell you that I did not ask you here to talk about my sister’s wardrobe. I fear that my real reason will undoubtedly give you offense, as I need to speak to you about a most personal matter. I know that decorum requires that I not assume such familiarity; but I must beg your pardon and seek leave to do exactly that. If I thought there was any other way, I assure you I would not burden you in this fashion.”

With a genuine smile that put Darcy slightly more at ease, Jane replied, “Mr. Darcy, I must admit that I suspected that there might be an ulterior motive for your request. But, Sir, do not be uncomfortable. Please feel free to speak to me as you would to any other good friend as that is what I hope we will soon become.”

Darcy replied sincerely; “Madame, you are far too kind. Nonetheless, I will accept your invitation and, with your permission, speak frankly. I want you to know, however, that I truly appreciate your generosity of spirit. I can imagine how much it must cost you. I had feared that you would refuse to speak to me altogether.”

“Sir, I would never even consider doing such a thing.”

“Well, I am relieved to hear it. But, Miss Bennet, let me apologize nonetheless for asking for your company in a manner that made it very difficult for you to object. It was selfish of me and I am afraid that in the process I may have given your mother the wrong impression”

Jane replied, “Sir, if you are to speak frankly, than so will I. You may be right that my mother misunderstood your intentions, but do not concern yourself. It will not be the first time nor, I fear, the last.”

Surprised by Jane’s candor, Darcy had to return her smile. He then grew quiet as he searched for the strength to broach a subject he dreaded to initiate. Jane for her part was inclined to let Mr. Darcy take his time. Suspecting that he wished to speak to her about Lizzy, and understanding that it would be a painful subject for him, she wanted to let him gather his thoughts before he spoke. She had to admit that this was a side of Mr. Darcy she had not expected. He now seemed so unsure of himself and at great pains to be as civil as possible. While she had never held Lizzy’s poor opinion of him, she was surprised to see how amiable he could be and suspected that much of his restrained manner stemmed from shyness.

After a lengthy pause Darcy asked: “Miss Bennet, I assume that Miss Elizabeth told you of the events that transpired in Kent?”

“Yes, Mr. Darcy, she did confide in me; but rest assured that I would never speak of it to anyone else.”

Feeling all of the embarrassment incumbent in having his rejection at Hunsford finally out in the open, Darcy was unable to meet Jane’s gaze until he realized that she might think his question a rebuke. Looking at her with a self-conscious smile, he replied, “No, no, of course not, and I did not mean to imply that that was my concern.”

“Thank you, Sir, for trusting me, but I must tell you that if you want me to speak to Lizzy on your behalf I am not sure that it is the wisest course of action.”

“No. Miss Bennet, I think we both know that there is no point in that.”

“Mr. Darcy, I did not mean to imply that I would not try on your behalf, if that is what you wish, I just thought that it might be better for you to speak to her directly given your previous misunderstandings.”

Unsure of how to continue, Darcy stammered, “No, Miss Bennet, you misunderstand me. I truly understand that my . . . relationship with Elizabeth—Miss Elizabeth is beyond repair and I have come to accept that. More importantly, I would not want her to think that I came here to force my suit upon her. I think I have imposed upon her enough.”

Jane felt for his obvious pain but did not know what she could say to help. She knew that he must be embarrassed and sensed that if she tried to discuss the matter further it would only make him more uncomfortable. The issue was decided for her when Darcy stated, “Miss Bennet, did your sister tell you about the letter that I wrote her?”

“Yes, Sir, I am afraid she did, but I hope you will not hold it against her. I think she needed to talk to someone about its contents.”

With a tinge of irony, Darcy replied, “Yes, Miss Bennet, I am sure she did.” After a pause, he added in a more serious tone, “Knowing how close you two are, and that some of the information in it concerned you, I had assumed that she would discuss it with you. I would never blame her for doing so as I now realize you had a right to know its contents all along. That is why I have come to speak to you.”

“Sir, I assume you are referring to Mr. Wickham. Rest assured that my sister and I both now comprehend the nature of his character and regret that he has been allowed to cast aspersions on your own. I believe my sister would want me to offer you an apology on her behalf as well.”

“Miss Bennet, thank you. But, no apology is required. While I am exceedingly grateful that you both believe me about Mr. Wickham’s misdeeds and will be able to guard against any of his further offensiveness, I must confess that I was not referring to him. I was hoping we could talk about the matter in the letter that concerned you directly.”

Coloring slightly, Jane answered, “Sir, I am not sure what it is to be said on that topic. I know that you expressed some . . . concerns . . . about some of the members of my family . . . but truly I have taken no offense and you certainly do not owe me an explanation . . .”

“Miss Bennet,” Darcy interrupted, “what did your sister tell you I wrote in my letter?”

Feeling all the more awkward, Jane replied, “She told me that you wanted to clear your name against the charges Mr. Wickham had leveled against you and that you had explained why you had reservations about proposing.”

Darcy bowed his head and temporarily closed his eyes realizing that he had once again misjudged the situation. Suddenly, his plan for coming to Hertfordshire no longer made sense. Jane knew no more than Bingley did. He was reminded once again of why it was that he abhorred deception. The complications involved were never worth the temporary gain and pain always resulted. He resolved from now on to tell the truth whenever possible.

If the realization of his misjudgment were not bad enough, Miss Bennet had also reminded of his poorly worded proposal and Elizabeth’s reaction. After a pause, he stated, “Miss Bennet, as to your family, I want to take this opportunity to apologize for anything I may have said that gave offense. While it might be hard to believe, it was not meant to injure. Nonetheless, it was rude of me and I heartily regret it.” Pausing to collect himself, Darcy then stated, “Be that as it may, I need to speak to you about another matter entirely. I had thought that your sister would have spoken to you about it already. It now appears that she did not. This will undoubtedly make my task harder, but no less necessary. I actually want to talk to you about Mr. Bingley.”

Jane started at the mention of his name. While he was never far from her thoughts, especially since the arrival of his friend, she had completely turned her attention to what she thought was Mr. Darcy’s attempt to broach a reconciliation with Lizzy. Trying to regain her composure, Jane replied in a shaky voice, “Mr. Darcy, I do not know what you could mean.” At that moment, Kitty called to them to let Jane know that she intended to go up the lane to see if Maria Lucas would come to Meryton. Jane gave Kitty a brave smile and told her they would wait for her in the lane. Darcy could see that Jane was struggling to regain her self-control and suggested that they wait on a bench at the edge of the Lucas’ property.

After Jane was comfortably seated and more composed, Darcy said, “Madame, I am afraid I must confess an offense that I have committed against you. I know that my story will give you nothing but pain, but I believe there is a purpose to be served. Please forgive me for this further transgression.”

After Jane nodded for him to continue, Darcy asked, “Miss Bennet, I am sure that you must have wondered about Mr. Bingley’s hasty departure from Hertfordshire last fall.”

“Sir, really there is no need. Mr. Bingley’s is free to travel whenever and wherever he chooses. He does not need to explain his reasons for leaving to me.”

“Miss Bennet, I did not mean to imply anything by my question. If you will allow me, I need to tell you what happened. It is of some importance to me, and I believe you should know the details. Will you listen?”

“Alright Sir, if you think it best.”

“Last fall, it quickly became apparent to me that Mr. Bingley greatly favored your company. I soon also realized that many in the neighborhood had expectations about your future together.” At this Jane colored and looked at her hands. “Knowing Bingley as I do, I knew that he had given his heart freely, without thought to more material considerations. I am not offering it as an excuse, but experience has made me a little more jaded. Consequently, I began to wonder at the level of regard you held for him.”

At this Jane raised her head to look at Darcy. Her wounded gaze was more eloquent than any denial. Ashamed, he instinctively looked away. He then forced himself to look back, resigned to see his task to its end. “I began to study you. To see if I could discern any affection on your part and while your countenance was always cheerful and pleasing, I could not detect any special regard for my friend.”

On the brink of tears, Jane exclaimed, “But why else would I favor his company unless I held him in high esteem?” Before he answered, Jane suddenly understood and quietly added, “Oh, I see.”

“I am sorry, Miss Bennet. You must understand that Bingley has a very trusting nature and I have watched women with mercenary motives hurt him before. I did not want that to happen again. I honestly did not see any evidence that you returned his regard and . . . I was concerned that you had other influences encouraging you to accept his attentions.” Understanding the reference to her mother, Jane looked away as she fought back a tear.

Seeing her distress, Darcy added, “I know now that I was wrong. But at the time, I sincerely believed it was in Bingley’s interest to give him my opinion.” Having regained her composure, Jane nodded for him to continue.

“While he was in London, I did exactly that and given his great natural modesty, he easily believed me. Thinking that you did not return his regard, he decided to stay in London.”

Jane impulsively asked, “But Miss Bingley told me in her letter that Mr. Bingley wanted to stay in town because he enjoyed the company of your own sister.”

With a frown, Darcy said, “I did not realize Miss Bingley had written to you.” Both remained silent, while he considered his options. He then continued in a resolute tone, “Miss Bennet, I came to Hertfordshire to confess my guilt only but I now see that I must tell you a few more particulars. Before I left for London to speak to Bingley, his sisters expressed their concerns to me about the possibility of a match between you. In London, the three of us spoke to Bingley together. His sisters encourage him to stay in town and I told him of my suspicions about your affections. I believe that Miss Bingley wrote to you to discourage any attachment you may have had for her brother. My sister was just a convenient excuse. As I recently mentioned, she is only fifteen years old and has always thought of Bingley as a brother, nothing more. Bingley, in turn, has always treated her as a sister.”

“Mr. Darcy, thank you for telling me this. It has certainly enlightened me as to a great many things.”

“Unfortunately, Madame, there is more and I am afraid that my conduct in this unfortunate tale becomes even more reprehensible. I knew that you called on Miss Bingley last winter in London, and that she returned the visit. I also know that no one, including myself, informed Bingley of your presence. I think that if he had known that you had come, he would have sought you out.”

At this, Jane paled and said, “This is all too much. I do not know what to think.”

“Miss Bennet, I am so sorry for having misunderstood your motives and for having deceived Bingley about your presence in London. I have no excuse and expect no sympathy. But, I did not come here just to burden you with my confession. While I was in Kent, your sister told me about the real regard you held for Bingley. It made me understand that I had committed a grave injustice against you both. I would like to try to make amends.”

Before Jane could respond, Maria and Kitty joined them. After Darcy inquired after Maria’s health, the party of four took their leave. Darcy and Jane waited until Kitty and Maria outstripped them. Darcy then said, “Miss Bennet, are you alright?”

"Sir, I fear this is too much to comprehend. I can barely credit what you have told me. I do not doubt all that you have said but I cannot understand . . . how it came to pass."

"I cannot speak for the others, but for my part, I know I acted out of selfishness and arrogance. My selfishness is obvious and I have recently come to learn that my judgment is far less accurate than I would like to believe. I now understand that your reserved nature made it difficult for an outsider, such as myself, to ascertain your true feelings. Given that our natures are very similar in that regard, my mistake is all the more unforgivable."

Seeing that Jane was deep in thought, Darcy waited until she looked up at him. “Miss Bennet, I know that I have overstepped the bounds of propriety with you throughout our discussion, but I need to ask you one more question. Do you still hold Bingley in special regard?”

"Mr. Darcy, I barely know how to respond; and even if I did, what would be the point?"

"If you would consent to it, I want to tell Bingley what I have told you. I came to you first because I thought you already knew all that had happened from your sister. I wanted to discern if there was any hope for the two of you before I spoke to him."

Jane was again lost in her thoughts. Turning her attention to Darcy, she asked, "I take it that while you were in Kent you and Lizzy discussed what you have just told me. And that you thereafter mentioned some of it in your letter?"

"Yes. Unbeknownst to me, your sister had guessed my role in the affair before I . . . proposed. She then led me to understand how wrong I had been. I tried to explain in my letter why I interfered in your affairs but afterwards I realized that an explanation to your sister was not enough. I came here hoping to undo the harm I have caused."

After a thoughtful pause, Jane gave Darcy a compassionate smile and stated, "It must have been very hard for you to come. I thank you for the effort. I know it cannot be easy to see Lizzy again."

Darcy colored and Jane recognized the pain in his eyes. "Miss Bennet, Mr. Bingley once told me that you were an angel. At the time, I believed it was simply the hyperbole of a man in love. I now see that he was right. That you are concerned about my feelings after the harm I have done you, is more than anyone could expect."

Jane colored with embarrassment at Darcy’s praise and the reference to Bingley’s affections. She then replied, "Mr. Darcy, I simply believe what you have told me, as would anyone. I understand that you made an honest mistake about my regard, and I cannot fault you for attempting to protect your friend. You may have been too hasty in forming an opinion of me, but I can forgive that mistake given that you have come all this way to correct the error, at no small cost to yourself."

"Madame, you greatly underestimate what an amazingly charitable spirit you possess. I know I could not be so understanding and I doubt that I could find one person in a hundred who would be so magnanimous. Truly, I do not deserve your pity."

"It is not pity, it is forgiveness."

"Then I sincerely thank you all the more. I hope I can be worthy of your generosity. I would like to start by returning to London to speak to Bingley. May I tell him that if he were to call upon you, you would accept his visit?"

Darcy waited for Jane's response, while a contrariety of emotions crossed her face. After a pause, she said, "Mr. Darcy, I am not sure what to say. The one thing I have learned from this conversation is that things are not always what they appear. I need to think about all that you have told me. It may be that the wisest choice is to do nothing."

"Please, Miss Bennet, let me tell Bingley what happened and that you will consent to see him. He is innocent in this. The fault is mine alone. Please blame me.”

"Sir, I have already told you that I do not blame you for what happened and I do not intend to start. I similarly do not hold Mr. Bingley at fault. But I am not sure it would be in anyone's interest to meddle in what now seems to be the work of fate."

"But it was not fate. I wrongly interfered, and the misguided actions of others should not be rewarded."

"Yes, you are right that it was the work of humans, but that is what troubles me. I cannot discount so easily the objections of Mr. Bingley’s sisters."

"But, if you still care for Bingley it should not matter what his sisters attempted to do."

Jane replied with a patient but determined smile "Sir, you stated earlier that we had similar natures and I think that you are right. We both have a habit of hiding our feelings and we have both suffered for it. Like you, I also cannot simply ignore the objections that will be raised against my entering into what some will call an imprudent match. Mr. Bingley's sisters obviously have strong objections against me and I would not want to enter into an alliance with a gentleman that would cause his family pain and strife. I know that such considerations gave you pause, please allow me the same latitude."

Darcy was struck by Jane’s words and did not know immediately how to reply. He then said, “Madame, I do understand your concerns. But if I may be so presumptuous, let me entreat you not to look at the gift of love by studying only its obstacles. I have found from experience that it does not turn out well. Apparently, a leap of faith is required.”

“Sir, I will take your advice to heart, but I cannot decide so quickly.”

“I certainly understand and I did not mean to rush you. I will await your decision at your leisure.” Looking up, he added, “I see that we are fast approaching the town. Do not feel obliged to entertain me. I would certainly understand if you would like to be alone. I can summon my carriage to return all of you to Longbourn?”

With a genuine smile, Jane replied, “Thank you, Sir. But I think I will not be able to return home without reporting that I have been of some use in the pursuit of your sister’s gift. Do you not intend to buy her something?”

“I do, but I do not want to impose upon you further. You have already been far too kind.”

“I harbor no ill will towards you Mr. Darcy. I am in your debt for all that you have told me. Not everyone would have come, and I appreciate that you did. So, you see, it is no imposition, and I think I could use the diversion.”

Darcy returned her smile and offering her his arm said, “Then by all means lead the way. I am at your disposal.”

Jane called to Kitty and Maria to let them know where they would be. Despite Kitty’s protests, the party agreed to head back in a half hours time. As they walked, Jane pointed out the sights of Meryton. Darcy, who had never paid attention to it on his prior visits, noticed how similar in essentials it was to a town near Pemberley. As they chatted amiably, Jane reminded Darcy that he had to buy something for his sister to satisfy her mother’s anticipated queries. He asked her for suggestions.

“Well,” Jane began, “I find that my mother is often right about what sort of gift to buy. She suggested that you should get her something in a style that you previously admired to help direct her towards that fashion. Ribbons for her hair would be the simplest and quickest. Have you any preferences?”

Frowning, Darcy replied that he had honestly never given it any thought before and really could not recall anything distinctive about his sister’s hairstyle or anyone else’s.

With a smile Jane encouraged him to think harder. Considering her words, he finally said; “I think I do vaguely recall that I once saw a very attractive style where contrasting ribbons were used. Does that sound correct?”

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean,” exclaimed Jane. “Lizzy frequently wears her hair in that fashion and it is quite flattering.”

Realizing her mistake, Jane quickly looked at Darcy who had colored with embarrassment. “Since I know what we want, I will just go get it and return in a moment,” she said with a reassuring smile. Relieved by her tact, Darcy agreed to the scheme. Not long after Jane’s return, Kitty and Maria joined them.

On the walk back to Longbourn, Darcy had hoped to speak privately with Jane again. He realized that he had failed to arrange how Jane would eventually convey her answer to him once she had sufficient time to reflect. An opportunity for a discreet discussion, however, did not arise. The girls monopolized Jane, excitedly telling her about the acquaintances they had seen in town. Not long after that topic was exhausted, Maria screwed up her courage and asked Mr. Darcy about news from Rosings. His brief response led Maria to a long exaltation of Lady Catherine’s generosity towards her during her visit to Kent.

As Darcy approached the house to escort the ladies home, Mrs. Bennet invited him in. Behind her he could see Elizabeth, whose eye he impetuously attempted to catch her eye. She kept her gaze to the carpet. Darcy interpreted this as a sign of her disapproval. She was, in fact, bracing for the mortification that her mother would surely inflict.

In reply to Mrs. Bennet’s request, Darcy said, “Madame, thank you for your generous invitation but I must be going.”

“Oh, certainly Sir, I understand. Was Jane helpful with your shopping? She is a very clever girl in many ways.”

“Yes, Madame, she was very helpful.”

“Well, Mr. Darcy I am happy to hear it. I am sure she would be willing to assist you with your sister whenever you need. Just ask. But in the meantime, I hope we will see you again soon. You know you are always welcome. Dinner or tea. It does not matter. Now that . . . things have worked out so well, do not be a stranger. As I said, you are welcome at any time.”

With a strained smile and a curt nod, Darcy simply replied, “Yes, thank you.”

Unwilling to let her prey escape so easily, Mrs. Bennet continued, “Oh, Mr. Darcy, I almost forgot. Have you heard that there is to be another Assembly in Meryton in just two days time? We would all be honored by you presence. I know that Jane would particularly enjoy your company. Everyone will be there. You really should not miss it. You will come, won’t you?”

“Madame, my plans are yet unfixed. I am not sure . . .”

Interrupting him, Jane turned to Darcy and decisively said, “Sir, I do hope you can attend. I would like to continue our discussion.”

Elizabeth looked up in surprise at Jane’s words. Mrs. Bennet beamed with pride. Darcy gave Jane a look filled with understanding and said, “In that case, Miss Bennet, I will be sure to attend.” Elizabeth looked on in disbelief.


Chapter Five - Similar Dispositions

Elizabeth’s curiosity over the events of the day had to wait until she could talk to Jane alone in her room. The wait was interminable. Mrs. Bennet spent the entire dinner hour speculating as to Jane’s future happiness with Mr. Darcy and the houses and jewels she would have at her disposal. Jane protested profusely, stating as adamantly as a woman of her sweet disposition could that Mr. Darcy was simply being friendly and civil. Mrs. Bennet dismissed the premise out of hand. It was clear from the way Mr. Darcy acted that he was in love with Jane and, besides, Mr. Darcy did not have a civil bone in his body.

Elizabeth knew that Jane must have been telling the truth about Mr. Darcy’s intentions. She always told the truth. Nonetheless, she could not help feel that maybe Jane was too naïve to properly understand his motives towards her – whatever they were. One thing was certain; her mother had not imagined that he had singled Jane out. But, what could he mean by it? Elizabeth resolved to wait until she could speak with Jane before engaging in pointless speculation. Otherwise she would be as bad as her mother! Her resolution, however, was impossible to keep. Her mind kept going over the possibilities. Only two seemed likely. Either he had come to Hertfordshire to press his suit again and he wanted Jane to help him or he wanted to make her jealous by actually courting Jane.

Given his actions towards Bingley both ideas seemed preposterous. But then again, the idea of him sipping tea in their front sitting room while making small talk with her mother was even more ridiculous and that had actually occurred. Whichever way, the underlying problem was the same. He had not accepted her rejection of his proposal. From his reaction at Hunsford, she could understand how that could come to pass. He had obviously never contemplated that anyone would reject his offer of marriage once he condescended to make it. It probably was not that he still wanted her; it was just that his intolerable pride could not allow the rebuff to stand. He wanted her to either reconsider or regret her decision. Either way, he would be sorely disappointed.

If he were trying to make her jealous, it would not work. You could not be jealous over someone you have no feelings for even if they sought comfort elsewhere. Besides, Jane would never seriously accept his intentions if she advised her against it. If anything, it was sad that he had not gotten over her. It was a pathetic ploy. If it was not so infuriating, she might have pitied him. But, then again, maybe Jane would accept his attentions. She had been so lonely since Bingley left, maybe in her sadness she would latch onto Mr. Darcy as Charlotte had done with Mr. Collins. No. That was impossible. Besides, Mr. Darcy could not really want Jane; she had the same embarrassing family and lack of social connections Elizabeth did. Was he seeking to punish himself by limiting his selection of potential brides to the one family of which he could not approve? No. Since her return from Meryton, Jane had indicated several times that Mr. Darcy was not seeking her attentions. It must be true.

If that was the case, then he must be trying to engage Jane as an ally. That endeavor would also prove fruitless. Jane might have agreed to speak to her on his behalf but she would never reconsider her refusal. The fact that he was trying to force himself on her was devastating evidence that he had not changed. To attempt a reconciliation is such a heavy-handed fashion showed that he was as self-centered as ever. It seemed like something Mr. Collins would do. Hopefully, like Mr. Collins, he would find someone else to occupy his time. It just could not be Jane.

She had to admit though that his continued attentions were flattering on some level. She could not imagine what she had done to inspire his continued interest. Especially after the harsh words they had exchange at Hunsford. Could he still be in love with her to such an extent? He had said that he ardently loved and admired her. But she thought him incapable of actually understanding those emotions. She knew that her previous opinion of him was not fair. It was colored by Wickham’s lies. But, his callous treatment of Jane and Mr. Bingley and his contempt of her family showed that he did not understand either love or devotion. However wrong she had been about Wickham, she had been right about his arrogant pride and his disregard for other people’s feelings. It was not devotion that brought him to Hertfordshire. It was his wounded pride. She knew that when she spoke to Jane she would confirm her suspicions.

Elizabeth’s patience was finally rewarded when she and Jane retired for bed. Unable to wait another moment, Elizabeth exclaimed, “What on earth did Mr. Darcy say to you or did he request your company only to walk along in silence?”

“Actually, Lizzy, he talked quite a bit. I think you may have misjudged him. While I think that he has made some grave mistakes in the past, he is, in essentials, a very kind and honorable man.”

“Jane, I feared that he would try to use you in this manner. You do not know him! He is neither kind nor honorable and if he thinks he can use you to prevail on me to reconsider his offer, he is sadly mistaken.”

“No, Elizabeth, he made it quite clear that he had not come to seek a reconciliation with you. He said he would not impose upon you in that fashion again. He came to speak to me. He wanted to talk to me about . . . Mr. Bingley.”

Elizabeth sat in astonishment as Jane continued. "He told me that last fall he encouraged Mr. Bingley to leave Hertfordshire because he thought that I was only returning his attentions out of material considerations. He then told me that while you were in Kent you let him know that he was wrong about my regard for Mr. Bingley. He has come to make amends, Lizzy. He wants to tell Mr. Bingley what happened, and he wants my permission to tell Mr. Bingley that I would see him if he returned to Hertfordshire."

Elizabeth could not be more amazed. "Jane, I am all astonishment. Did he actually say he would speak to Mr. Bingley?"

"Yes, he said he wants to return to London directly, to tell him everything. He is just waiting for my response."

Elizabeth grabbed her sister's hands in excitement and exclaimed, "Oh, Jane, this is too good to be true!" Seeing that Jane response was somewhat restrained, Elizabeth added in a serious voice, "I hope you are not angry with me. I learned of Mr. Darcy's interference in Kent but I did not want to tell you because I did not think anything could be done about it. I wanted to spare you any further pain."

With a generous smile, Jane replied, "Do not be concerned, Lizzy. I know that you have only the best of intentions." Overcome with love for her sister, Elizabeth gave Jane a warm hug, which was returned with equal force.

Suddenly concerned, Elizabeth asked, "But, Jane, can we trust Mr. Darcy? Why did he not simply tell Mr. Bingley and bring him to Hertfordshire?"

"I am very confident of Mr. Darcy's intentions. He explained to me that he had assumed that you would tell me about his letter, and because he thought I already knew what had happened, he wanted to speak to me before he approached Mr. Bingley."

“I suppose that his assumption was reasonable," Elizabeth reluctantly conceded.

"Lizzy, I think the entire affair was an honest mistake on Mr. Darcy’s part. He was simply trying to protect his friend. I cannot fault him for that. Do not think ill of me for saying so, but I think our mother may have contributed to his misjudgment of my regard for Mr. Bingley."

With a wry smile Elizabeth said, "Well, I am sure that is more than possible. But, in any regard, I still cannot forgive him. I do not think you understand all that he has done."

"No, Lizzy, I do. He also told me that Caroline and Lousia never told Mr. Bingley that I called upon them in London and that he thereafter helped them conceal the fact. He truly regrets his behavior.”

“And well he should,” Elizabeth angrily exclaimed. “There is no excuse for his deception. It was the height of arrogance to presume that he knew what was best for his friend.”

“But, Lizzy, once he realized his mistake he attempted to correct it. Is that not worthy of our forgiveness?”

“Well, I suppose Mary could find a sermon to tell us it is, but I would still not be convinced.”

“But Lizzy, sometimes people do things that they would not normally do in order to protect the people they care about. When you returned from Kent, you did not tell me about your news of Mr. Bingley because you thought it would only bring me further pain. Mr. Darcy acted in a similar fashion because he still believed I did not have sincere affection for Mr. Bingley.”

“But Jane I would have told you the moment I thought you needed to know.”

“I know you would have Lizzy. But that is exactly what Mr. Darcy did. As soon as you let him know that he was in the wrong, he came here to confess it to me, and he will tell Mr. Bingley as soon as I grant him leave.”

Jane took Lizzy’s hand in hers. She wanted to make sure that Lizzy understood that her next comment was an explanation and not a rebuke. “Lizzy, if you both used a little deception in the past, it was because you both had a desire to protect someone you cared for. You both have very definite opinions and that sometimes means that you take matters into your own hands. If it is a failing, it is one that I can surely overlook. Do you think you can find it in your own heart to do the same?”

“Jane, you are too good. I must confess I never considered it in that manner before. I think I am quite blind to my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, rather than making me feel more generous towards Mr. Darcy, it has made me more critical of myself. We both acted badly. I am so sorry I substituted my own judgment for yours. It was arrogant of me! Can you forgive me?”

“Lizzy, of course I can. I am not blaming you in the first place. I am just trying to make you understand why I have forgiven Mr. Darcy.”

“Well, Jane, I will truly think about what you have said. But, the important thing is that Mr. Bingley will soon know the truth, and I am sure that once he does he will return on his fastest horse.” Seeing Jane frown, Elizabeth entreated Jane to tell her what was bothering her.

“Lizzy, Mr. Darcy thinks . . . that there is still a chance . . . I mean, Mr. Darcy wants my permission for Mr. Bingley to further his acquaintance with me. He wants to be able to tell Mr. Bingley as much when he sees him. I told Mr. Darcy that I was not sure that it was a good idea. I asked for time to think about it. At the end of our visit I indicated that I would decide by the Meryton Assembly. I am just not sure what to do."

“Jane, there is nothing to think about. Of course you will welcome his visit. I know that you still care for him. If Mr. Bingley’s sisters and Mr. Darcy had not interfered, you would be well on your way to happiness. Nothing has changed in that regard.”

“But Lizzy, I cannot help but think that Mr. Bingley’s regard for me could not have been as strong I had hoped if he was so easily turned away. Maybe it was for the best that it happened.”

“Jane, he was lied to! You cannot judge his reaction by that. You have to give him an opportunity to prove himself. For once, I am in complete agreement with Mr. Darcy. You must let him speak to Mr. Bingley and when he does, you should let him convey to Mr. Bingley that it is not too late.”

“I don’t know Lizzy. Even if I thought that he still cared for me, I have other concerns. It is clear that his sisters object to the match. How can I come between Mr. Bingley and his family?”

“Jane, that is not your concern. As much as I know it pains you, you cannot please everyone. You will either disappoint Mr. Bingley or his sisters. You owe his sisters nothing. Do you really want to have Mr. Bingley hurt further by their actions? If he wants you and you return his affections, that should be all that matters.”

“Lizzy, I understand what you are saying and I would like to agree. But, I cannot help feeling that it would not bode well for an impending union to have one of the families involved object to the match. I think the strife would eventually damage Mr. Bingley’s regard for me. I am not as independent as you Lizzy. I am not sure I can overcome the resentment and I do not want to disappoint Mr. Bingley in the long run.”

Elizabeth gave her sister a warm hug and said, “Oh, Jane, you are so dear.” Releasing her Elizabeth added, “I wish I could make everything perfect for you because truly you deserve it. But, as it is not, I suppose we shall make do as best we can. You will have to decide but I do not think you should throw away love simply because there are objections.

“That is exactly what Mr. Darcy said!”

Raising a skeptical eyebrow, Elizabeth asked in an incredulous tone, “Is it?”

“Oh, yes. He told me that a leap of faith was required and that I should not look at the gift of love by seeing only its obstacles . . . . Lizzy, he said that he had learned from experience that if you do, it does not turn out well.”

Jane waited for a response from Elizabeth, but did not get one. After another pause, Jane said, “Lizzy, I think he truly regrets what happened between you.”

Forcing a lighthearted manner, Elizabeth said, “Well, I am not so sure about that. After seeing our mother this afternoon, I am sure he is rejoicing in his near escape.” Seeing Jane’s frown, Elizabeth added in a serious tone, “Jane, while he may agree with me about you and Mr. Bingley, I am sure he will never recover from the injury I have inflicted to his pride. You yourself told me that he wanted to make it clear that he had no further intentions toward me. I am sure laying eyes on me this afternoon was an odious task. Do remember that he still thinks very ill of our family. Hopefully, we will keep our interactions to a minimum. Maybe our mother will let me forego attendance at the Assembly, that way I will spare him further discomfort.”

“Lizzy, I do not think that is necessary.”

“Maybe not, but it might be in everyone’s best interest. In any regard, I know for sure that mother would never let you miss it. I am afraid she has the wrong idea about you and Mr. Darcy. She will be inconsolable if he leaves for London before he proposed to you.”

“I know Lizzy. What am I to do? I tried to tell her this evening that there is nothing between us but she will not listen.”

”Hopefully Mr. Bingley will return and set everything straight.”

This time, it was Jane who did not answer. Seeing that her sister needed time to think, Elizabeth bade her goodnight and returned to her room. They both had a fitful sleep trying to digest the surprising events of the day.